Identity and the Female athlete
Growing up as an athlete my hobbies were…. gymnastics. Seriously, I woke up, went to school, and then my mom drove me 30 minutes to my 4 ½ hour gymnastics practice. I did this 4 – 5 days a week so there was not much time for any other hobbies. That was fine with me. I was a dedicated athlete.
Then I was not the “gymnast” anymore. I had all this free time that I did not know what to do with. I thought I would be happy with living the “free” life, not being a competitive gymnast anymore. I was eager that I could try out for the cheerleading team, hang out with school friends, and experience all the “normal” people things. But after developing an eating disorder and getting in a severe car accident, I was no longer the “gymnast” I lost my identity completely. I had no idea who I was without the world telling me who to be.
After gymnastics, I tried cheerleading. I was on my high school cheerleading team and then on the college cheer team at FSU. My new identity was the “flyer”. Yep, you guessed it I was the girl who they threw up in the air. Just like gymnastics, cheerleading gave me a sense of identity that I was longing for.
I also tried pole vaulting and sprinting. Track was different than gymnastics, I liked it and enjoyed the challenge, but it did not light my soul on fire like gymnastics and cheerleading.
When I left FSU, I found CrossFit. CrossFit helped me out of a deadly relapse in 2017. I fell in love with the competitive environment the CrossFit community brought. Thanks to gymnastics, I was naturally good at the sport and qualified for the 2018 CrossFit games regionals and 2019 Mid-Atlantic CrossFit Challenge representing Team Revamped. I had the CrossFit games insight. I was ready to commit my entire life to train. I was willing to put everything on hold to train like a game’s athlete. I wanted to redeem myself. I was finally focused on what my body could do. I was the strongest I have ever been, even at my fittest in gymnastics…and I was working on getting stronger.
Then, COVID hit, and I fell deep. I was at an all-time low. My mental health was suffering, and my physical body was melting away. I just graduated with my Bachelor of Science in Nutrition, I could not compete in CrossFit, I could not work with clients, I was in quarantine for three months (just like the rest of the world). I felt like I had no identity. If I could not do any of these things, then who was I?
I relapsed again…and I did not even realize it until we were finally out of quarantine. I did not realize how I was feeling was not normal.
Coming out on the other side it’s been rough. I know I often portray to the public that my life is put together but let me tell you the hard truth IT IS NOT. I try my best to put the real Mary on Social, but still, the highlights are only shared.
Today for the first time I do not identify as an athlete, personal trainer, or nutrition scientist. I am the simple Mary who ENJOYS fitness, competing in CrossFit and nutrition. Once I learned to stop identifying myself as my hobbies and career, I became free.
Why? Because these things can be taken away from us in a heartbeat. Look back at my story, every hobby was taken away from me. Every time I lost a hobby I relapsed. Why? Because I lost control of who I was, and I turned back to what I knew how to do best…destroy my body and mind.
Why did I share this with you? Because it’s a real problem in today’s culture that led me and many other athletes to poor mental health
I want to remind us that we are so much more than what the world defines us as.
Female athletes, I ask you to reflect on this question- If you could not train or compete would you be okay just, being YOU?
The truth is, at the end of the day we will be done competing, so what will you lean on for happiness and identity?
I would love to hear your response! Please email Maryteunisnutrition@gmail.com to Share!